Thursday, November 16, 2006
I must confess that deep inside, I have not gotten over reality.
Self-decieving.
I said I am fine, however, I know very well that I still cannot believe I failed my promos. Something as major as that has never happened, and it is still all a dream to me. There are countless less major stuff that took place during the whole phase of my life, all significant milestones to me.
It created the heart of stone in me. I accept injustice done upon me cooly, for it has always occured this way. A life of failure all too familiar. Somehow, I will always survive, and scrape through. Not this time. It hurts now. It hurt in the past too, but then I have adapted to what society has thrown towards me.
If what does not kill you makes you stronger, then I have seriously reached a peak in my emotional state of mind.
However this set-back has gotten me reeling all the way back.
I am recovering...
Cause of my failure? Self-decieving? I was so naive to make myself think that I was studying sufficiently. Perhaps, I did not even study at all. I have myself to blame. Not the Lord, not friends for distractions, but BY MYSELF.
I am taking the escapist route. I am going to New Zealand. Hurts to leave what I don't really like which is really ironic. Truth. I hate cjc, the environment and the culture. However, I will love and miss the few people there who made everything seem alot alot better.
Life is meeting and leaving, coming together and seperating, but never ever forgetting from my point of view that is.
Leaving Innova
Leaving CJC
Leaving Singapore
All painful experiences definitely.
Well, but you must meet before you can leave. I am grateful for that, and the memories.
Memories fade when time passes by
As people who were once with you progress in life
It is easy to get caught up, busy, make new friends and forget about the past.
People preach about present, and look forward to the future.
Seldom do people hang on to the past.
People might not remember me.
But, it is alright. Nothing is forever.
The thing is I will never forget, I promise.
No pain no gain? Me leaving and hurting?
Life is a chance. you must lose something to gain something better or worse.
I'm letting go of these emotions but not the memories.
Indifference.
I will be cold.
I will not let emotions get the better of me.
I will be apathetic.
I will not be a busy body and volunteer to help others out at the expense of myself.
However I will not be unfriendly.
If you need my help whatsoever, I do not mind the effort.
You can ask, and I will be more than willing to help.
A psychologist does not go around in public, asking: "Hey, are you fine? Are you alright? Tell me your problems. Let me help."
A psychologist waits for patients. The patients pour out their sorrows. And he does his best to counsell. It is up to the choice of the patients to seek a psychologist and not vice versa. Well, but he will definitely make his presence known.
Perhaps I lack initiative to go the extra mile. Nonethless, it is always safer to be more self-centred.
